I performed this cover a couple of times. One video from Velour’s open mic was posted online about two months ago. I received a lot of positive feedback and I’ve been meaning to record/upload a better version of it ever since. Finally, I got around to it this afternoon.
I’ve got more upbeat, produced stuff on the way, but it was nice to do something raw and simple. I hope you enjoy it. Let me hear your feedback. Comment, email, tweet, message me on Facebook. It’s always encouraging to hear from people and it keeps me motivated to know you’re listening. Thank you!
I’ve been trying to keep busy and so far this is all I have to show for it. I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out though. This was 2 full rainy afternoons of exploring/shooting and 3-4 nights of editing. As much as I wanted to keep recording and eventually surprise everyone with an entire album of mostly unheard songs, it’s kind of pointless to release anything without any support. Here is my attempt at something buzz worthy.
It was originally titled “Calafia,” but I’ve changed it to “Green Glass.” Still not set on the title. Let me know what you think.
Hello everyone. By everyone, I mean…I don’t know. I don’t think my mom even visits the site anymore. So…”Hello ME.” “Oh hi”
“How are you doing lately?” “Meh.”
I’ve been writing and working on various projects. Things are coming along slowly. I still have seven “David Charles” songs 95% finished, but I’m easily discouraged and have headed in a more melancholy direction. The old garageband songs like “Fire Away” and “Move On” may still see the light of day, but I’m not satisfied releasing them without finishing the other 7 or 8 instrumentals that accompany them.
This is an example of the latest stuff. An acoustic version of this song can be found on YouTube, but Aimee Gna Vargas caught video of a live piano version from Velour‘s Open Mic recently. Thanks Aimee!
I still have 8 more songs to write/record to reach my goal of 15. In the meantime, this is 1 of the 7 songs nearly finished.
It’s not my pick for the strongest.
It’s not what I think will be most popular.
It’s just my favorite so far.
Let me know what YOU think.
I was recently the victim of cyber pirates and/or violated by a hapless internet worm who somehow stumbled into my site, ate a couple lines of crucial html code, and pooped it out somewhere around Jdate.
My defenses were weakened and my response to the invading worm was delayed due to my ongoing war with the procrastination bug –a.k.a. “The Lazy Beetle” or “Sluggish Slug.”
But I have returned. I only had to call tech support three times before I finally reached the Nerd Czar. The complex-code-riddle left behind by the worm was no match for his powerful skills and virginity. Now, I no longer have an excuse to eat potato chips in bed 53 hours a week. So here I am, pretending to be productive so my parole officer will leave me alone.
While the website was down, I did actually accomplish one or two things. For example, NEW MUSIC. I’ve nearly completed 7 songs. My goal is 15, which I will whittle down to 10 for an album around late May/early June. Hopefully, I will be able to post a few teasers on YouTube or Soundcloud in the coming weeks. Keep checking back here.
Lastly, I stumbled upon a picture taken from the 2011 Velour Winter Battle of the Bands when I was accompanied by the John Denver Broncos. I’ll just leave it here for you to hopefully enjoy as much as I did.
One last thought: USA! USA! USA!
Listen close, girl
I did my chores, girl
Now my mom will take us anywhere you want to go
But I have peanut allergies
I hope they don’t have peanuts in their pizza dough
Then we’ll go to the park
Dress up like a wizard or a fairy and L.A.R.P.
I swing my sword, baby
Made out of duct tape and cardboard
Girl, you make me feel like I felt when I licked the frosting off my cupcake this morning
Girl, you’re like a sugar high, only you don’t give me diabetes
Girl, I hope you don’t mind my severe acne
I’ve got a pillow made of pepperoni
My thick glasses are on my nose
I’ve got oddly-shaped elbows, knees, and toes
Your eyes are like a solar-powered calculator
They cut through me like a lightsaber
You take my breath away
When I see you walking near me, I …uh…
…I need my inhaler
Girl, I don’t feel so good
I think I need to sit down and catch my breath
Oh girl, look at my Velcro shoes, they’re for you
Girl, I just want to get beat up in front of you all the time
I’ve been working so hard on a boondoggle in the shape of a heart for you
Oh girl, let’s play a game like Connect 4 or maybe Stratego
Oh girl, let’s go to the kitchen
We can do some math and cook some vegetables
Then we’ll go to the lab and I’ll show you all the experiments I’ve been doing
Hey girl, you are the sexiest dragon in all my favorite books about dragons
Girl, I’ve been practicing my bird mating calls so I can impress you with my abilities
Girl, you’re like a fresh bowl of oatmeal covered in brown sugar but without any dairy
Cause I’m allergic and it makes me break out into hives on my bum
(Girl, I don’t know why I ate all the oatmeal
Cause it’s so itchy back there
It makes me itch just like you do
Every time you come around
And I break out into stress hives
And all that stuff, girl
Guys, Valentine’s Day is coming up. This means your girlfriends have unreasonable expectations–unless you’ve set the bar adequately low. Despite my best efforts, I’ve so far been unsuccessful at squashing Valentine’s hopes.
As a result, I received an absurd list from my girlfriend this year. I needed to flood this village parade. I merely utilized logic in a condescending manner and voila!–those peasants were drenched and furiously treading water.
However, you can’t drown every peasant with condescension. Below are examples of several ways to Houdini your way out of being thoughtful.
If she requests… “A card – Even an email.”
You respond… I licked all the glue off my stamps and, possibly while high on stamp-adhesive, smashed open my wireless router to “free the grumpy cat.”
If she requests… “Flowers”
You respond… Obviously, you don’t keep up with the news. Any flowers that weren’t wiped out by Al Gore’s Incovenient Truth went toppling over the financial cliff. It’s important to stay updated on current events. If I were any good at origami, I’d make you paper flowers. As a wise friend once said, “Paper Flowers Never Die.” This is my best attempt.
If she requests… “Dinner – Somewhere special we’ve never been before, and we’ll never forget.”
You respond… This is a feasible request. I know the maitre’d at the subterranean joint, Soup du Sewer. Their specialty is… I don’t want to ruin the surprise. There’s another quaint bistro called Drainage’ which, I believe, is French for “Defeat Bunker.”
If she requests… “Hang the mirror on my balcony – Finally.”
You respond… This level of vanity is simply unnecessary. You have no need to know what you look like in natural light. Besides, I’m sure before I get around to it, there will either be a zombie outbreak or the sun will be
extinguished by some freak space tsunami.
If she requests… “Write me a song – That’s what you do anyway. Isn’t it my turn to get one??”
If she requests… “A suitcase – I need a new one so it’s easier to come visit you.”
You respond… Oh…come visit.Uh… yeah. I’ll just need at least 48 hours notice. Sometimes I have “masseuses in training” that uhm… need a freckle-y back to practice on. It’s all part of the charity work I do. I’m a bit of a philanthropist. Oh yeah, I heard the latest trend in suitcases is jingle bells. Also, the cool kids these days carry air horns and just honk ‘em every few seconds. Keeps them from getting lost…or arriving unannounced. You don’t want to seem like an unhip spaz, do you?
If she requests… “A TV – At least 50 inches would be nice, as long as it’s Samsung and it’s their new Smart TV.”
First, you laugh in her face. Second, you respond… Buying a TV right now is ill-advised. It’s only a matter of months before Microsoft releases their revolutionary Windows TelevisionTM.
Windows TelevisionTM must be mounted on an outside wall. It’s completely invisible, but incorporates an interactive element with the new exclusive show, “Life.” You merely unlock the screen at the bottom and push it. It swings “open” and allows you to interface with the characters on the program. The more creative you are in your commands, the more distinct your viewing experience will be. Shout profanities. Flash your boobs. Ask what time it is. The characters and storylines are always changing dynamically. It’s the next best thing to living—Windows TelevisionTM.
If she requests… “A Gold Watch – Like my silver one.”
You respond… I picked up a gold watch that was staggering, but was disappointed to discover that the value of gold is significantly decreasing. Apparently, it’s now the equivalent of that turquoise jewelry you can only find at Southwestern truck stops and dangling from the leathery wrists of Reno slot jockeys. I learned all about this through a charitable website—I believe another welfare program organized by our liberal handout government—that offered to let me exchange my worthless gold for sweet sweet cash. In my opinion, you’re too classy to be seen wearing that Au-ful (get it?) metal. Instead, I used the $13.64 in profits from the exchange to cover an old coat in duct tape. It’s elegant and practical.
If she requests… “A Vespa – I’ve wanted one since I was 15, and there’s a Vespa store a few miles away. You have no excuse to say no.”
You respond… I can’t punish 15 year-old you for being ignorant, but 38 year-old you should know better (You’re HOW old?!). Time for a history lesson. Do you know what V.E.S.P.A. stands for not-so-young lady? Vietnam Erotic Slave Placement Agency. The Vietnam War was a dark chapter in American History. Unscrupulous groups saw the combat as an opportunity to take advantage of a war-torn country.
Young women and elderly primates were abducted and transported using a new type of scooter. These new scooters were perfect for staying under the radar and slipping past checkpoints while transporting 2-3 servants at a time. During the 19-year conflict, it’s estimated 14 victims were abducted from South Vietnam—never to return. Historians speculate they were bundled, re-financed, and sold off to other sex slave conglomerates, until eventually, the system collapsed on itself. I won’t go into anymore detail, but to put it simply, supporting Vespa is like supporting the Girl Scouts of America.
While browsing ideas for Valentine’s Day, I stumbled across an article titled, “9 Attractive Qualities Women Look For In A Guy.” I was intrigued, but ultimately disappointed. The article provided the traits, but didn’t give me any useful information on how to fake those attractive qualities. I thought I’d provide some first-rate pointers in an effort to lend a hand to fellow scumbags looking to trick women into liking them without having to resort to being a genuinely kind, interesting person.
Some simple on building a sham relationship based entirely upon fraud:
SENSE OF HUMOR
Any chance you get, trip someone who is weaker/smaller than you. Nothing is more irresistible than a guy willing to laugh at the expense of others. Not only are you chuckling at their pain, you’re also causing it. You’re double-funny!
Next time you are on a date, tell a joke. But instead of dropping the punchline, let out a fart.
You: “Hey, what do you call two giraffes who don’t like crossword puzzles?”
Her: “…I don’t know, what?”
You: * squeak *
Her: “Hahahahahahahahahaha! …*catches breath* Aww, I am hideously in love with you.”
When you go to a movie, pick a comedy. Then repeat every line the lead actor says.
Her: “Lolololololol! I’d kill my entire family just to spend one more precious second with you.”
Sidenote: This is also an effective way to FIND a date. Go to the movie by yourself and repeat the lines a little louder than normal. By the end of the movie, every lady in the theater will have relocated to the seats nearest to you. The more bashful variety will wait to catch you on the way out. However, BE WARNED: Other men may be threatened by your comedic timing and try to fill your sinuses with leftover popcorn.
Let her know that you don’t keep secrets. This can be achieved by telling her, in gruesome detail, about the time you witnessed her parents “exercising their passion” in a Burger King restroom.
Play truth or dare and always pick “truth.” Just pray she doesn’t ask about the suspicious cell phone calls, late nights at the office, and/or secret family. If she does, lie. Just keep your heart rate low, your voice stable, and make eye contact—but not a SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT of eye contact. If you succeed, she’ll smile like an unquestioning idiot. Congratulations.
On your first date with a new babe, you should intentionally ram a parked car. She’ll be blown away when you get out and leave a note with your name and number under their windshield wiper. Hint: Use a fake name and number. You can’t afford to pay for smashed cars every first date. It adds up.
Plan a date with a service theme. Pick up a hobo, bathe him, shave him, clothe him, feed him, and then set him up with your sister-in-law.
If she’s cold, don’t just give her your coat. Go above and beyond. Offer to cut open the nearest, fattest creature with your lightsaber.
IMPORTANT: This is the most valuable of all qualities With money, you can buy every other quality. Pay close attention.
In order to curb every wench’s voracious appetite for shiny things, you’ll need to sign up for and max out every credit card you can get your hands on. Don’t worry, your creditors will dump your body in the bay moments before she finds out you’re not really an “attorney neurosurgeon stock broker.”
Build a time machine, go back to school, and study extra hard to be an “attorney neurosurgeon stock broker.”
I think confidence is something you need to be born with. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be “endowed” with “confidence”, your only hope is to become an NFL Wide Receiver. Something just happens. Suddenly, you’re too confident to practice or abide by the NFL Code of Conduct. Worked out pretty great for Terrell Owens.
You might be afraid of impressing her so much that she’ll get intimidated and think you’re out of her league. But don’t worry, it’s safe to break out the collection of bolo ties. She’ll be so aroused, it’ll be like catching crabs in a chalice.
Wear your old letterman jacket. Nothing says confidence like a guy who openly admits that playing high school football was his last and only accomplishment.
When with that special someone, NEVER stop bragging about the time you were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” and “totally called it.”“…Man, that dude totally shoulda walked away with his four grand.” This could also apply to the “Intelligent” section. See Below.
After she leaves for work in the morning, break into her apartment/house. When she gets home, you’re already there in her closet. How convenient.
Follow her everywhere she goes. That way, if she ever needs you, you’re right behind her. She may oppose at first, but eventually convenience overrides restraining orders.
This can also be solved with money. Nothing’s more convenient than a free ride! Especially if it’s in a helicopter.
TALENTED & PASSIONATE
We’re just going to shove these two qualities together and say they only count as one, huh? The naturally talented, passionate people are getting ripped off.
Practice the tuba. Nothing is more passionate or beautiful than a bloated, red-faced fellow puffing low notes out of a brass bucket. Maybe you can score humor points simultaneously because it kind of makes fart noises.
If you’re lacking in the talent and skill department, you can make up for it with your passion. Emotionally invest yourself in little things you’d normally let slide. Kick, punch, and claw your way up the Arby’s management-ladder until someone honors your 2-for-1 Beef and Cheddar coupon.
What’s that? She still doesn’t see your passion? Burn her house down. Piss on the ashes. “Now, who isn’t passionate?”
Instead of your usual brainless activities, suggest mind-challenging games like Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit. Hint: When playing Scrabble, take command of the dictionary so she can’t question your game-winning entry: “Purquexizede.”
Date a kindergartner. There’s a 65% chance you know more state capitals than they do. I like those odds.
That’s it. That is all you need to know to conquer the dating landscape. Now go get ‘em, Cougar!
I fear my last post may have pigeon-holed me as some sort of uber-dweeb. In an effort to reclaim my guy credibility and threatening persona, I thought I would write a little bit about American Football.
I only specify American football, because I am currently in France—a place where I don’t think they understand our football’s continual use of hands. Leave it to the literal Europeans to be confused by their complete lack of imagination. Oh, that tall, narrow building you have is named the Eiffel Tower? How original. We have a structure like that except we call it the SPACE NEEDLE. That’s right. It’s like we’re IMMUNIZING SPACE. Maybe sprinkle some crystal meth on your cheese and get inspired.
This is the 2nd Super Bowl in 3 years I will experience overseas. This means hoping to find an NFL Network feed of the game—which is basically a live broadcast of the game through some webcam in brilliant FBSD while Nick Nobody, Donald Neverwas, and my mailman provide color commentary.
The commercials, arguably the most important aspect of Super Bowl Sunday, aren’t the same either. Europe hasn’t mastered America’s passion (sidenote: I accidentally typed out “pashion.” I think I just coined a new phrase combining passion and fashion. Wait…Google Test. What the hell? An Arab magazine beat me to it? Do they even fully appreciate the cleverness?)
Enough about America’s magnificent marketing, let’s talk about the actual game.
Super Bowl XLVII
Who do I like in the big game? Well I’m going to do something rather unpopular in sports, talk about my feelings.
First, I’d like to say I’m not terribly disappointed that I may miss this year’s Super Bowl, because I’m not titillated by either of these teams. You know how people say if they had a time machine, they’d go back and kill Hitler? If I had a time machine, I’d invent a God Clock instead and stop time so neither of these teams would ever win. We’d all just be completely frozen in time as if Zack Morris was talking to the camera.
“Oh, it’s two brothers coaching against each other, that is so cool.” What’s so fascinating about brothers competing in sports? My brother and I play Madden on the Wii against each other all the time and Sportscenter doesn’t talk about THAT nonstop for 3 weeks.
I’ll say this: There were 12 teams that made the playoffs and I can think of at least one reason I would’ve wanted any of the other ten to win the Super Bowl.
Bengals: Their quarterback is a ginger. Way to fight those odds, buddy! Texans: They’re a fresh face in the playoffs. Plus, I’m technically a Texan. I believe this means I would receive an honorary ring as well. Vikings: Jared Allen is my hero. Adrian Peterson is a close second. Packers: Those discount double-check commercials with Aaron Rodgers are mildly amusing. Plus, he seems like the type of guy I could take home to mom. Seahawks: They’re another fresh face with high scoring potential. Also, they don’t mind if I call them the Seagulls. Colts: I don’t find any of their players particularly offensive. Redskins: You have to respect RG3, Mike Shanahan, and their mildly offensive team name. Broncos: Peyton Manning and I have had our differences, but that goofy idiot has won me over with his benevolent public image. He’s like Mother Teresa’s down-to-earth nephew. Falcons: Tony Gonzalez deserves a Super Bowl win and Matt Ryan just seems so sad. Cheer up, Matt. Patriots: Tom Brady is a heavenly piece of All-American man. Also, Wes Welker kind of resembles Will Forte.
But the other two? Let’s weigh the pros and cons.
I heard Ray Lewis killed a guy and then insulted his mother. Murder is one thing, but disrespecting the elderly is detestable.
They’re from the AFC North—a division known only for tedious low scoring games, dreadful weather, and Ben Roethlisberger sexual assault trials.
One of their team colors is purple. Isn’t purple sort of girlie? I’m no expert, but I am a little sexist.
Joe Flacco is their quarterback. Sure, he’s decent and all, but Flacco? That can’t be a household name. It sounds like a bargain brand of all-purpose cleaner.
Bernard Pollard is mean. (He’s also an ex-Chief. Glad we had the smarts to recognize no defense can benefit from a safety that knocks people unconscious.)
Edgar Allan Poe probably haunts the opposing team’s locker room.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Their quarterback, Colin Pumpernickel, is a slippery little bastard. It’s only a matter of time before he retires from football when George Clooney invites him to join “Ocean’s 14.” Also, his goatee is stupid. Shave or grow a proper beard, Colin.